WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say