*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.