Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.