Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
You Might Also Like
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”