Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.