Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.