Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009