Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Don’t we all.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?