Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO