Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.