Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Make new friends? bro out of what?

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.