Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”