Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
time machine? you mean a clock?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Today’s Times
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.