Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.