Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.