@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

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@just1fool

If you ask me to go get “Eyetalian” food with you, our friendship is probably over.

@chuuew

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

@Finding_Niimo

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

@mochanya

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

@mikeysny

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@BuckyIsotope

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

@MarkAgee

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!