Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

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If you ask me to go get “Eyetalian” food with you, our friendship is probably over.


ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP


Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!


People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!


When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.


“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.


So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley


“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”


A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.


Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!