Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”