@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

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@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

@Chloestylo

When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

@Getnosexual

I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…

@joejwest

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

@StephenAtHome

Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”

@sageboggs

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season