Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
😭😭
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
#DesignFail
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.