Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?