Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro