wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Oh my God.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I love this❤️😁👍
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat