wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.