Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

I have obtained a hat

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

Personal question. #JustSaying

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?