Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

It be like that sometimes 😆

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs