How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…
Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
1. Put on clown shoes.
2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up.
3. Wait for someone to enter other stall.
4. Slowly lower feet to floor
some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep