WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.


her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side


Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again


Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.


Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]


*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight


1. Put on clown shoes.
2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up.
3. Wait for someone to enter other stall.
4. Slowly lower feet to floor


some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep