WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sunday
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.