Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.