Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”