Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Hero horse inspires millions
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.