Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
real
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.