Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Wise advice
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
This trial is so absurd 😭
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle