Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off