Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

trivia

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

So Hamburger help me, God

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Kids: Stay in school.