@onion_an

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

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@XplodingUnicorn

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

@TheAlexNevil

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

@scrappy_momma

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@MGolicJR57

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

@MUMSIEesq

*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*