@XplodingUnicorn
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
@onion_an
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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@XplodingUnicorn
@TheAlexNevil
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
@scrappy_momma
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
@SondraDeeMe
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
@MGolicJR57
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
@bacon_gillepic
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
@VestaTot
Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!
@dafloydsta
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
@SpacePrisoner
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
@MUMSIEesq
*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*