Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Great game to play with friends
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
#CoronaOutbreak
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.