@onion_an

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

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@Ideal_Victoria

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

@3sunzzz

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

@TheGoatTaco

My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.

@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

@Home_Halfway

AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on

@josePhDhoran

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

@thenatewolf

“Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?” I ask.

“Maybe a little,” says my butler.

I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times.

“Don’t touch me without your gloves,” I wheeze.

@OneFunnyMummy

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods