Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.


I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.


Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.


My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.


As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.


Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.


AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on


Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around


“Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?” I ask.

“Maybe a little,” says my butler.

I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times.

“Don’t touch me without your gloves,” I wheeze.


I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods