Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.