Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.