Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

The Compass

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.