Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.