Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

they split up moments later

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.