WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
first you must answer his riddles
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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