WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.