Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect