WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked