Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.