Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

🤣🤣

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.