Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’ve been learning to cook.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m being attacked 😭
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”