Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
You Might Also Like
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I wake up every morning wishing for your happiness and banking information
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.