@NicestHippo

WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]

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@MurphyMcLachlan

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

@ClichedOut

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

@Cheeseboy22

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

@thisisapril00

I wake up every morning wishing for your happiness and banking information

@AJemaineClement

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

@DVSblast

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.