Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
From Facebook just now…
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.