WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
😅😅😅
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.