Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?