WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Finally, a door that understands me
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
fired
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”