Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

I have so many questions.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Me if I was a dog

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

A flock of dads is called a grill.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol