wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
You Might Also Like
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.