Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

The United Steaks of America

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.