Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

What’s the point buying it then?

Adultry does not sound fun at all

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.