Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

goldfish mafia

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.