Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.