Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.