Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

🫡

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

twitter users today:

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house