Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Nose
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
A little too much information.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
(Jupiter –
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”