Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!