Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

british sex workers really pound for pound

The point of your 20s

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Love this guy

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife