Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
“No way.” -Jose
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?