Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ