Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.