Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Somedays I just love AI so much

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

No chill.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”