Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.