@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

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@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

@jordan_stratton

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@david8hughes

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

@SheeeRatchet

Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.