Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Is Viagra classified as a soft drug, or a hard drug?
Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.