Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?