Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

dads on road-trips be like

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”