@EndhooS

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

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@BuckyIsotope

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

@Vodkantots

Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@SladeWentworth

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

@splashguts

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

@randypaint

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

@roxiqt

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

@Sarcasticsapien

Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.

@LisAHHHHHHHH

please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff