Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy


Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.


The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.


Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.


Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?


I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.


billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this


The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.


Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.


please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff