Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss: