WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
You Might Also Like
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I have a type: disappointing
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Trumpy Cat
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.