WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
You have been warned.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
choose your gary
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.