Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

But is it really??

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!